99 Days

I see now that I’m using my upcoming tour as a timeline to define the person I am now.

That’s a lot of pressure.

I’m binge watching camping videos. T’is the damn season in the Pacific Northwest as the skies clear and the warm temperatures makes me want to wear dresses with spaghetti straps. I have exactly one camping trip planned for next month and yet with the way I’m researching you’d think I’m buying a cabin and planning to live off the land. If only.

Building this website has reminded me of my broken heart. Today may have been the 7th or 8th time I’ve cried on the bus ride home and it’s becoming comfortable. I remember all the times over the last 6 years that I’ve had to hide my tears, pretending that I had no feelings. Dissociation is my favorite mask. When researching Van Gogh for the portion of my tour that visits the Netherlands I was reminded of what I overheard after the revelation that my mom died by suicide: “I thought she didn’t like her Mom? Why is she so sad she’s dead?” Humans are complicated creatures and our relationships don’t always mirror the expected. “He’s a crazy man who cut off his own ear.” The story of Van Gogh is easier to shrug off than the reality.

I can see how this tour feels like a pivotal moment in my life. Stacy 2.0, if you will. But if we are willing I suppose we might as well be truthful that it’s like Stacy 589.0. I’ve been resetting my life for such a long time but I haven’t grasped the reality that I can just let go and live. My shame dictates that I must be improving myself at all times or I’m not worthy but when I flow with my feelings there are glimpses of what it would be like without living under that pressure. A few weeks ago when I rode my bike over to the dog park on the beach I heard a college age kid say to his friend “How many people are sent to Europe for a month for free?” It was so strangely relevant to my current situation, having the privilege of traveling by tour on the company’s dime for over a month, that I almost spoke up. I let their moment pass me by, but what a reminder of the gift I’ve been given.

One of the books I immediately ordered when I found out I was going on the Best of Europe tour was “The Ladies of the Grand Tour -British Women in Pursuit of Enlightenment and Adventure in Eighteenth-Century Europe” by Brian Dolan. There are more blogs to come regarding the era I’ve decided to research when it comes to this tour, but this quote feels relevant right now: “Lady Elizabeth Webster struggled to remember the history she had learned in order to enjoy the places she felt privileged to visit.”